Thy lord be praised! In these wonderful days just before the apocalypse, it is now possible to become ordained as a priest over the internet. To me this seemed to be a fabulous idea. As a priest, I would be able to get up to all sorts of mischief, yet live a consequence-free existence. When our world folds in on itself next month I won't be damaged because I would be hanging around with Jesus and them. Great!
The Universal Life Church are very welcoming to all who have an interest in their spiritual activities, i.e. me. Literally seconds after accessing their website, I was told I would be ordained straight away! Their strength of faith astounded me. I supplied them with my details and awaited my halo. Unfortunately, I would have to wait a couple of days for validation (possibly because they would have to run a check on me with God or something). Ah well, I suppose I'll need the patience of a saint... erm, yes.
13th December - Dave's New Testament
I am now fully ordained and validated. I do not have certificate at the moment, I would have to buy one and at only $2.00 I may well do that. I can order some Clergy Packages (mini, basic or complete) for when I will be performing marriages, baptisms and/or funerals (circumcision is a no-no). If I were to buy the Complete Clergy Package ($100), I would instantly become Doctor of the Universe! Fantastic! I would also receive a parking placard and a book called "The Buffer Zone". Not bad!
They say - " As a minister, you are entitled to all privileges and courtesies normally offered to members of the clergy."
I say - " That is music to my ears. Let me get down like that!"
But they also say " You alone are responsible for your acts and actions as a minister."
I feel that they do not want any trouble that I cause making them look bad. Donst thou worry thine pretty little head though as my ecumenical exploits have only gone so far as blessing and smiting. Although the future does look good. My friend Alistag joined my ministry after he found out how much fun I was having. He wanted some. Now we can join up together and our powers become multiplied. We are looking forward to bringing down plagues, provoking extreme weather and summoning. Remember our names when you look up at the night sky. Dave. Alistag. It may just save your life. Peace
