Net Date

My name Clare 007/Jane 008
My task To find a partner in matrimony over the Internet
My mating ground www.personals365.com

I imagine this is not going to be easy. My task is to search, find and eventually marry someone over the Internet - and if I fail, I will have to Marry my fellow colleague Danny (unless he has any success in finding himself a wife!) I will be searching as two different people, myself and a fantasy woman of great beauty and looseness!!!

As I enter the site that is soon to be my home for the next seven days I am pleasantly surprised by the welcoming ORANGE colouring of personals365 s front page. I was expecting a dark and dirty slightly suggestive look - don't know why.

At first I am invited to give a few details and although I am quite hesitant I eventually decide to give them my e mail and home address (kidding!!) ..And with prize questions such as

' If I were to ask my closest friend to describe my personality I think they would say that I am ...'

Or

' If I was able to invite any 3 guests to dinner from the past or the present I would choose ... Of course nobody answers these kinds of questions truthfully. As if you would put what your best friend would actually say about you. My best friend knows me inside out, which is why I would never ask her to tell the truth about me!

And three dinner guests Hmm I wonder.. The men would choose supermodels and the women would choose the Brad Pitts of the world in their MINDS but outwardly would choose the Pope, Tony Blair or Neil Armstrong.

Anyway after various personal probes and vigorous questioning I was presented with this 'Personal Profile'

Hi I'm Clare007 from Humberside.

I am 20 years old and I am single.

I work as a Web page researcher.

In my spare time I like to go clubbing and listen to music.

My best ever holiday was surprisingly not abroad. I went to Scotland and it was beautiful.

The place I would most like to visit is America. It has so many different cultures.

I would describe my looks to be individual - I am not ugly!! And I think my most attractive feature is my eyes.

If I could change one thing about myself it would be my height - I'm a shortass.

The first thing that attracts me to someone is their smell.

On a first date I like to get to know you but my idea of a perfect dream date would be a weekend in Paris.

I feel the main quality I can bring to a relationship is a sense of fun.

If I was to ask my closest friend to describe my personality I think they would say that I am understanding and reasonable yet can be fiery and passionate.

If I were able to invite any 3 guests from the past or present to dinner I would choose Jesus, Michael Stipe and my Grandad.

Finally if you like the sound of me and you are interested in a date I think you should know that I laugh like a hyena!!

With this description I did get a few people talking to me. Mostly just " hey, do you wanna chat?" Which unfortunately usually leads to more er 'interesting things' (Its amazing how physical people can be over the Internet). I did strike up a couple of friendships and chat to them through e-mails (Hi, Ben Rayward) but sorry - No husbands here!!

On to Jane 008 with her suggestive name and perfect 'Personal File' surely she cannot fail to find herself a sugar daddy.

Hi, I'm Jane 008 and I'm from Yorkshire I work as a Web page designer

In my spare time I like to play volleyball and dance (ballet).

My best ever holiday was in Ibiza at the foam parties and the place I would most like to visit is Amsterdam.

I would best describe my looks to be supermodel like and I think my most attractive feature is my big eyes and long curvy body.

If I could change something about myself it would be my dizziness.

The first thing that attracts me to someone is the size of their bulge (wallet or other!)

On my first date I like to go to first base and my idea of a dream date would be a dirty weekend in Paris. I feel the main quality that I can bring to a relationship is ME

If I were to ask my closest friends to describe my personality I think they would say that I am easy going naive and slightly neurotic.

If I were able to invite any three people from the past or present to dinner I would choose Jean Paul Gaultier, Alexander McQueen and Vivienne Westwood.

Finally, If you think you like the sound of me and you are interested in a date, I think you should know that I don't want to settle down!

Now for some reason Jane 008 created something of a stir. From the moment I logged on to the second I logged off I was drowned with offers of all sort but alas never a proposal in sight for some reason.

Poor ickle Danny, alas had about as much luck as I (as my true self) did. In fact he had less. From logging on last Tuesday afternoon till the end of the experiment a few days ago Danny did indeed fail miserably. Apart from a two minute chat about the weather he got not one message, chat or letter. Poor,poor Danny.

I think it would have helped had the whole personals365 page not moved like an arthritic old woman. I was sat for hours just waiting to view my messages and chatting to people was the most fruitless thing I've ever tried - By the time your reply has been sent the person you where chatting to had died of old age!

And so, both Danny and I have failed miserably to find a husband and Wife
Clare and Danny up a tree K I S S I .........

All characters and names featured in this article are fictional (apart from myself and danny). Any likeness to real life people or situations is purely coincidental.